Jokes

A male and female doctor have sex. Before and afterwards she gest up and washes her hands. He says "I bet you're a surgeon, you're always washing your hands". "That's very clever" she replies "and I bet you're an anaesthetist" "Wow, how did you guess" ... She replies "because I didn't feel a fucking thing"

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To prove there r no hard feelings between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, Paul has vowed to buy his ex-wife a new wooden leg for x-mas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler!


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A man comes home to find his pet parrot has taken viagra. In digust he puts the parrot in the freezer to cool off. The next morning he opens the freezer to find the parrot sweating.
"How come your sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies "do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

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A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"


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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, fcuk him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

There was an Irish man up on some scafolding, A couple of floors up was another worker with a hammer an bolster, The Bolster sliped out of the higher mans hand falling down, Cutting off the Irish mans ear.

''My ear My ear" Cried the Irish man

All the workers had to come down off the scafolding, And Help The Irish man Look for his seavered Ear, In some distress, He Shouted
''find me ear, find me ear''

After about 5mins of frantic searching, a co worker spoted the ear, and Cried out
''Ive found it, Ive Found it''

The Irish man ran over to him,

''Let Me See It'' He Moaned

after looking at it for a few moments, he shouted

''Its not mine, Mine had a pencil behind it''

Haven't heard that one before